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Breaking Free: My Life with Dissociative Identity Disorder, by Herschel Walker
Get Free Ebook Breaking Free: My Life with Dissociative Identity Disorder, by Herschel Walker
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The NFL legend and Heisman Trophy winner shares the inspiring story of his life and diagnosis with dissociative identity disorder.
Herschel Walker is widely regarded as one of football's greatest running backs. He led the University of Georgia to victory in the Sugar Bowl on the way to an NCAA Championship and he capped a sensational college career by earning the 1982 Heisman Trophy. Herschel spent twelve years in the NFL, where he rushed for more than eight thousand yards and scored sixty-one rushing touchdowns.
But despite the acclaim he won as a football legend, track star, Olympic competitor, and later a successful businessman, Herschel realized that his life, at times, was simply out of control. He often felt angry, self-destructive, and unable to connect meaningfully with friends and family. Drawing on his deep faith, Herschel turned to professionals for help and was ultimately diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder.
While some might have taken this diagnosis as a setback, Herschel approached his mental health with the same indomitable spirit he brought to the playing field. It also gave him, for the first time, insight into his life's unexplained passages, stretches of time that seemed forever lost. Herschel came to understand that during those times, his “alters,” or alternate personalities, were in control.
Born into a poor, but loving family in the South, Herschel was an overweight child with a stutter who suffered terrible bullying at school. He now understands that he created "alters" who could withstand abuse. But beyond simply enduring, other “alters” came forward to help Herschel overcome numerous obstacles and, by the time he graduated high school, become an athlete recognized on a national level.
In Breaking Free, Herschel tells his story—from the joys and hardships of childhood to his explosive impact on college football to his remarkable professional career. And he gives voice and hope to those suffering from DID. Herschel shows how this disorder played an integral role in his accomplishments and how he has learned to live with it today. His compelling account testifies to the strength of the human spirit and its ability to overcome any challenge.
- Sales Rank: #488697 in Books
- Brand: Walker, Herschel/ Brozek, Gary/ Maxfield, Charlene/ Mungadze, Jerry, Dr. (FRW)
- Published on: 2009-01-13
- Released on: 2009-01-13
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.25" h x .80" w x 6.12" l, .69 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 256 pages
Review
"For the past twenty years, I have guided hundreds of people struggling with dissociative disorders
on the difficult path of recovery. But doing so with someone like Herschel Walker has truly been an
extraordinary experience—not because of his celebrity status, but because of what he brings to the
journey for himself and all others who share similar experiences. . . . Inviting the listener into the
compelling story of his life, Herschel poignantly shares how he has used adversity to inspire him
to be successful in his running career, his professional football career, his Olympic career, and his
business life.
For those listeners who may have been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder or are struggling
with the negative aspects of dissociation, Breaking Free will inspire you to accept your diagnosis,
to work with your alter personalities, and to seek help if you are not already in therapy. For those
listeners already being treated, this audio book will open doors to self-help ideas you have not
thought of before."
-Jerry Mungadze, Ph. D
About the Author
Herschel Walker played professional football for the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, New York Giants, and Minnesota Vikings. He now owns a number of businesses, including a food service company, under the name Renaissance Man International. He lives in Dallas, Texas.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Prologue
The day had started like most others in my life. I rose well before my wife, Cindy, and son, Christian, were awake. I slipped quietly down the stairs of our suburban Dallas home and stepped into what I consider in some ways to be my safe haven -- my workout and exercise area. I got down on the floor and began my usual routine -- 2,500 sit-ups and 1,500 push-ups. I'd been following that same pattern for more than twenty-eight years, 365 days a year come rain or shine, feast or famine, on the road or at home. Only today, in the process of writing this, did I calculate what that all meant: 17,500 situps a week; 910,000 per year; 25.480 million since it all began back in Wrightsville, Georgia, as a chunky sixth grader. By my calculations, it will take me a little more than twelve and a half more years to reach 37 million -- the number of miles the Earth is from Jupiter. My allusion to another planet is deliberate; for a lot of my life, I've felt like an alien, and tried to put a great distance between other people and me.
After I finished my workout, I took a quick shower and then I sat and read the newspapers with the television turned to CNN, to catch up on the world's events, just as I did nearly every morning. That routine comforted me; my playing days were over in one sense but in many others they never ended. I folded up the papers and put them in the recycling bin. I brushed my teeth and checked on Christian before going to my home office, where I spent the rest of the morning. Cindy came in at one point to let me know that she was going out with some friends for lunch, and she'd be taking Christian with her. I kissed them both good-bye and returned to my work.
A few hours later, I was still seated at my desk, reviewing some paperwork I'd taken home regarding a potential deal I was hoping to make. I was determined to make Renaissance Man Food Services and Herschel's Famous 34 major players in a very tough industry. Since I'd stopped playing football three years before in 1998, I'd been focusing much of my competitive energy on making my many business interests flourish. Things were going well. I really didn't need to work, money was not an issue for me, but I'd been relentlessly restless for the last twenty-five years of my life, and I wasn't about to slow down.
I'd sat there checking and rechecking some numbers, when I glanced at the calendar on my desk. The date was February 24, 2001. In exactly seven days, I was going to turn thirty-nine years old. Hard to believe that time had passed so quickly. I'd enjoyed a stellar college career, won the Heisman Trophy, finished up my professional days as the number two player in all-purpose yardage (number one if you considered, which the NFL didn't, my yards earned in the USFL), represented my country in the 1992 Winter Olympics in Albertville, France, been paid millions of dollars for playing a game, and earned millions more from endorsement deals. I'd been able to help family and friends, met with presidents and business leaders, was married to the only woman I'd ever loved, had a son I adored. Considering all that, what was about to happen made little sense to me then, and only now can I understand my actions at all.
The phone rang. It was my friend Robert Jones's wife, Natalie. When I heard her voice, I suspected what the call was about. I looked at the calendar again. It had been almost six days. Natalie and I exchanged hellos.
"Herschel," she said, "he's here but Bob isn't around. What do you want me to do?"
I felt as though someone had thrown a switch in my head. "Natalie, whatever you do, you tell that man not to do anything. He's to stay right there. He better not even think about unloading that car."
"Herschel, I'll talk to him, but -- "
I cut her off. "Natalie, I'm telling you, that man had better not touch that car or move a muscle."
"I'll see what I can do."
In one part of my brain, Natalie's frightened tone registered and made me even angrier. Not at her, but at the guy sitting in her driveway. He'd jerked me around long enough. I was going to put an end to that. What's right is right, and what this man had been doing was wrong. Way wrong. I could never abide by people taking advantage of someone else -- especially me. Another part of me felt bad about putting Natalie, an innocent bystander, in a tough position and for alarming her. That didn't stop the downhill slide I felt, the rapid acceleration of my emotions.
"I'm getting in the car, and I'll be there in twenty minutes. He better be there when I get there."
I slammed the phone down, grabbed a set of keys, and literally ran out of the house to the garage. I stood in the weak February sunlight, pressing the button on the key fob, listening for the distinctive blip that would tell me which car's keys I'd grabbed. I hustled over to the far bay and waited impatiently for the opener to raise the door. I was tempted to grab the handle myself; instead, I waited for what seemed minutes for the rattling mechanism to do its work. Sliding behind the wheel of my Mercedes E Class sedan, I felt like there was a war raging inside of me.
Natalie had called to let me know that a car that I'd ordered from a man in Philadelphia had arrived. I'd originally asked that it be delivered to Robert's house because I was scheduled to be out of town. Well, my trip had come and gone, and still no car had been delivered. Six days had passed, and this man had not honored our agreement. I'd spent three days sitting at home waiting to hear from him, expecting that he'd be honorable enough to at least keep me posted on the status of the delivery. And now this? He doesn't even return my calls, but instead calls my friend's house, completely ignoring my message that it should now be delivered straight to me? Was that any way to do business? Did this guy think he could get away with not keeping his word? I couldn't let him get away with that.
I could feel my jaw pulsing and my teeth grinding as I sped down Church Road toward Robert's house. I wondered for a moment if my Beretta pistol was still in the glove compartment. I'd been a licensed and registered handgun owner for years, had permits to carry a concealed weapon, and had even gone to the FBI academy during two off-seasons to do some training. I'd majored in criminal justice in college and had dreamed of serving in the FBI. The logical side of me knew that what I was thinking of doing to this man -- murdering him for messing up my schedule -- wasn't a viable alternative. But another side of me was so angry that all I could think was how satisfying it would feel to step out of the car, pull out the gun, slip off the safety, and squeeze the trigger. It would be no different from sighting on the targets I'd fired at for years -- except for the visceral enjoyment I'd get from seeing the small entry wound and the spray of brain tissue and blood -- like a Fourth of July firework -- exploding behind him.
Every few seconds, I'd hear a voice telling me, "No, Herschel, that's wrong. You can't shoot a man down in cold blood over this." Over that voice I'd hear another urging me on: "You've got to take care of business. This guy has done you wrong. You can't let him get away with that. Kill him." Over and over these two voices were shouting at me, each one pleading with me. As I made the turn south on the four-lane highway that would take me to the subdivision where Robert and Natalie lived, I began to pray to God. For even longer than I'd been doing my daily routine of exercises, I'd been praying. As a born-again Christian, I believe God actively and directly influences me to action. I asked that He help stop me from what I was about to do.
"Lord, Jesus, I do not want to kill this man. Please, dear God, somehow show me what it is that I should do."
My hands were crushing the steering wheel, and when I caught a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror, I saw the veins and sinews in my face and neck standing out like rivers and streams on a relief map. My face was contorted and it was difficult for me to believe that the person I saw in that mirror, eyes darting furiously from the mirror to the road ahead, was really me.
"Do it."
"Stop it."
"Do it."
"You can't."
"Do it."
Like the pulsing rhythm of a chorus, the two voices kept up a relentless beat. Simultaneously, I felt frightened, exhilarated, disgusted, at peace, and resigned. Motoring up to Robert's house, I felt as if adrenaline was being pumped by the gallon into my system. Everything came into such sharp focus. Every red petal of the flowering burning bush that lined the driveway stood out in stark contrast to the boxwood evergreens that squatted in front of them. Red. Green. Go. Stop. Do it. Don't.
I repeated my plea to God for guidance. As always, He was there for me then.
I stopped the car and slammed the shifter into park. As I was reaching for the glove compartment to check for my gun, I could see through the web of steel that made up the carriage of the auto transport trailer to the back window of the semi's cab.
SMILE. JESUS LOVES YOU read the sticker plastered there.
I had my answer. I sat in the car for a few minutes, head in my hands, giving thanks to God. The voices quieted and then fell silent. All I could hear was the ticking of my turn signal. Lord knows how long it had been on, but I knew that I needed to take a new direction in my life.
The Herschel Walker who had driven to that house with murder in his heart and mind was not the Herschel Walker I had been for most of life. Something was clearly wrong with me, and I had to figure out what it was. And quickly.
All my life I've faced life's battles head-on and at great speed. I was about to embark on a challenge I'd never thought I'd have to face, but one that I was determined to win. For a while then, and at various periods of my life, I felt like I was losing control, spiraling downward, acting out in ways I'd never thought possible. I'd been wondering if I needed professional help in answering this question: "Doctor, am I crazy?"
Before I would see a doctor, though, I had more push-ups ...
Most helpful customer reviews
54 of 62 people found the following review helpful.
Though-provoking . . .
By Book Woman
Overall, I liked this book. One has to admire Herschel for going public with his diagnosis, one poorly understood by the general public and often associated with severe pathology. That took courage, which the author seems to have in abundance. His writing shows an intelligence not commonly associated with sports, and he gives articulate expression to the various manifestations of his version of DID. A real plus of Walker's account is that he describes an "up" side to this condition, stating clearly for the layperson that it has certain adaptive and self-protecting qualities.
That said, I was left with some questions. While the book seemed forthright and honest, he describes about a dozen different "alters" (formerly called multiple personalities) that he claims have arisen from his being tormented as a fat and stuttering schoolboy--while undoubtedly painful, his schoolyard abuse is hardly the type that normally spawns this fragmented condition. And as a clinical psychologist, I have treated DID patients. A more common presentation than his involves distinct changes in personality including voice, body posture, emotional expression, etc. . . . like you are really seeing different people. He says that his shifts were more subtle, nothing that could be seen externally, more like discrete changes in mental state known only to him at the time. That raises (for me, at least) the issue of whether or not this devoted and highly focused athlete is not simply given to a rather strict compartmentalization of his feelings, a medium that he would admit he is not comfortable with. Even his most personal relationships have suffered from his tendency to be so self-contained. Or perhaps DID is best explained as a "spectrum" disorder, ranging in degree of severity, as we now know autism to be. Who knows?
While he talks about his repeated "thrill-seeking" with Russian roulette, Walker notable leaves out of his story the fact that he several times put a gun to his ex-wife's head. And he glosses over a bit the fact that he had an affair despite his born-again Christian beliefs. When a "tell all" book tells not quite all, you are left wondering what more has been left out.
22 of 26 people found the following review helpful.
More of a Football story....
By Amazon Customer
Just finished reading Hershel's book and found the story very interesting as story about how to survive the crueling life of a football player but not informative enough about the DID diagnosis. I purchased this book because I was excited to hear of someone else who had this condition. As I read on I was hoping to read more about the alters and how the alters "switched" in and out to complete any one task. Since I survived my horrific childhood with "alter" help, I had hoped to read more detail. I'd be interested in meeting and sitting down with Hershel to share some of the "alter chaos" that wasn't written in his book and my story. I, like Hershel, felt the importance of sharing my story as to help others understand the amazing way our minds can protect us while we are suffering through abuse. I believe DID/MPD is a God sent coping mechanism. I shared my life story in the book, "Switching Time" by author Richard Baer.
Although no two cases are the same I found too many differences that have me wondering whether or not this was truly a case of DID? For me, my "alters" weren't so consistant. I accomplished many great things but could never have spent many years in a rigorous exercise schedule to accomplish something as great as becoming a professional football player. However,I've spent many years watching my son play baseball and witness the change in his personality when he is concentrating on baseball. He is in a zone and nothing around him distracts him. I also imagine that those who serve our country, as in the Marines, switch into combat mode when needed. They are also in a different "zone" to fight and protect. I know this because my son is also a Marine who served in Iraq. And he does not have DID. I wonder if Hershel's experiece is more of being a very disciplined athelete determined to succeed by changing his sense of self to accomplish great things regarding sports, rather than actually having DID?
I am glad Hershel survived all that he had. I know, first hand, how hard it was being a victim. I wish him well and future success.
13 of 15 people found the following review helpful.
My thoughts on Breaking Free By Herschel Walker
By Lili Kay
I enjoyed reading "Breaking Free" by Herschel Walker, but was a bit disappointed by it because it wasn't what I thought it was going to be. He never told how his family reacted to his diagnosis of DID, nor where he was as far as his therapy today, or where he was as far as integration. I know he was trying to remove the stygma from DID, but not having suffered the extreme abuse I did, it was hard to relate to him. Also he may have grown up with very little as I did, but he's never suffered the financial hardships I have as an adult because of extreme panic and anxiety disorders I have a hard time holding a job. Plus during my abuse I received permanent damage to some of my joints and have to deal with pain on a daily basis. Unfortunately for me I don't have an alter who can take the pain so I don't have to deal with it. Where as he's got the freedom to announce to the world that he's DID, if I did that I'd have to share what caused my DID. Since I've already lost my extended family because they don't believe me about my abuse and men in my family are some of my abusers, I don't have the freedom to share my diagnosis with anyone outside my adult children, husband and one good friend and of course my therapist. This makes me feel very isolated and alone. I know Herschel understands the loneliness and isolation, but when I'm ready to write my autobiography I will have to use a "Pen Name". There are those in my family who might sue me for defamation of character as one of my abusers is in full time ministry and it would destroy his ministry, and as a Christian I just can't do that no matter what he did to me. I am glad Herschel was able to share his story and that he's benefited from it, as I'm sure others have, but I don't have the freedom he has to share his story. Over all it was informational and good to read of someone else having what I do, but he has fame behind him and can use his name to promote his story and book, I just don't have that luxury and I have many, many, more alters than he has. Yes for him, integration is the ultimate goal, but for my alters there will never be total integration since I've been DID for over 52 years of my life and some of my adult alters as well as some of my child and middle alters refuse to integrate. Plus I don't know that I could handle the stesses of my life as a singleton. I don't like being DID, but it saved my life and it's the only life I've ever known. Good luck Herschel, it seems you're well on your way to total health.
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