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The Wholehearted Marriage: Fully Engaging Your Most Important Relationship, by Dr. Greg Smalley, Dr. Shawn Stoever
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The Wholehearted Marriage offers practical tools for helping couples keep a passionate connection with one another and understand the role their hearts play in their lives. Drs. Smalley and Stoever maintain that circumstances, such as busy lifestyles, differences between spouses, personal baggage, the loss of a loved one, childhood trauma, etc., trigger reactions that condition us to close up our hearts for protection, blocking the flow of love. A disengaged, protected heart makes it impossible to experience an intimate, connected marriage. As a result, couples drift apart, trying to find some version of contentment, or they give up altogether and look for love somewhere else.
Through their experiences in marriage counseling, Drs. Smalley and Stoever discovered that the commonly heard phrase "I don't love him/her anymore" is merely a camouflaged misunderstanding about what true love is and God's design for it. They affirm that love is more than just a feeling, and that to have true, lasting intimacy, couples need to learn to love wholeheartedly.
- Sales Rank: #245371 in Books
- Brand: Simon & Schuster
- Published on: 2009-06-02
- Released on: 2009-06-02
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.44" h x .70" w x 5.50" l, .59 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 288 pages
- ISBN13: 9781416544821
Review
"Unleash the heart of your marriage! Greg and Shawn have made it easy.... You'll want to read this book with your whole heart." -- Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, founders of RealRelationships.com and authors of Love Talk
"Every now and then a great book on marriage comes along. This book ranks in that category!" -- Dr. Tim Clinton, president of the American Association of Christian Counselors
"Greg and Shawn share their hearts, as well as their years of professional experience, in hopes that you would be equipped and encouraged. Their practical insights are based on sound studies, which will help you excel in your marriage. I heartily recommend their book." -- Ken Canfield , PhD, author of They Call Me Dad and executive director of Boone Center for the Family, Pepperdine University
About the Author
Dr. Greg Smalley is the coauthor of eight books, including The DNA of Relationships for Couples and The Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed Of. He is the director of Church Relationship Ministries for the Center for Relationship Enrichment at John Brown University and is also the founder of the National Institute of Marriage.
Dr. Shawn Stoever currently serves as a senior director for a nonprofit ministry called the WinShape Foundation, and he previously served as director.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter 1
Heart 101
The "heart" refers to its position in the human being,
as the center or core to which every other component of
the self owes its proper functioning.
-- Dallas Willard, Renovation of the Heart
Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and
keep all my commands always, so that it might go well
with them and their children forever!
-- Deuteronomy 5:29
TRUST ME."
I (Greg) can't tell you how many times those two little words have come back to haunt me. Usually when people say "Trust me," what they really mean is "I have no idea what I'm talking about or what I'm getting us into, but this seems really fun, and I think we should do it anyway!"
Sadly, in this case the "it" referred to my marriage, and the "trust me" was spoken to convince my fiancée, Erin (my wife now of seventeen years), that our most recent argument wasn't foreshadowing a conflict-plagued future marriage.
On the contrary, I explained that we were going to have a "grrreeat" marriage. "Remember," I said, "I'm the son of worldrenowned marriage expert Dr. Gary Smalley. Certainly something has rubbed off during the twenty-three years I've spent under his roof! Besides, I'm almost halfway through my master's degree -- in marriage and family counseling. And I'm out once a month speaking at marriage conferences with my dad. I think it's safe to say that I know a little more than the average guy on how to have a successful marriage!"
Can you believe after that impressive relational résumé, Erin still didn't seem persuaded?
"Trust me." I begged with my best pouty face.
Let me make this very simple: Erin was right and I was wrong. As a matter of fact, I was very wrong!
Once Erin and I were married, we managed our relational conflict poorly. It got so bad that two years into our marriage I was convinced that we were one more argument away from Erin's leaving.
And then the argument happened. We had gotten into this huge fight while I was driving. We were yelling at each other, and our argument had escalated to the point that I was so mad I had to get off the road. I pulled into a parking lot in front of a health club. We didn't consider the fact that our windows were down or what we must have looked like.
Erin was nine-and-a-half months pregnant with her big ol' tummy, and we were in the midst of spouting off horrible things to each other when a woman came out of the health club. Apparently someone had dropped a membership card on the ground near our car, and when the woman saw it she picked it up to hand to Erin, assuming it was hers.
Prior to the lady's arriving by the side of the car, Erin had given me a scathing comeback and told me that she was just about ready to get out of the car. So just then, I yelled at her, "Fine, just walk home!" Apparently this lady heard me. She took one look at my pregnant wife and, absolutely appalled at my inhumane statement, literally tried to help Erin out of the car. The woman tried to comfort Erin by saying, "It's okay. I'll help you get somewhere safe!"
If only I had kept a copy of my relational résumé in the car, I could have given it to the lady to help her realize that I wasn't a complete jerk.
I'll never forget that woman's look of total disgust. That was the lowest point in my marriage. I was convinced in that moment that my wife and I were not going to make it. What had gone wrong? We'd been so in love with each other before we'd gotten married. Although we struggled like other couples that first year, I never thought we'd get to this point.
The good news is that Erin and I made it. Actually, we didn't just survive those early years, but we actually thrived.
You might be wondering how in the world we went from a strange woman trying to pry my pregnant wife out of the car to thriving. Sure, we did many of the traditional things like counseling, joining a marriage small group, and getting mentored by a healthy older couple, Dr. Gary and Carrie Oliver. But as I look back over the past seventeen years, one thing really stands out as the key.
To understand what changed our marriage, we must go back to what Christ called the greatest of all the commandments.
THE GREATEST COMMANDMENT
Most of us have heard the story of what happened one time when Jesus was engaged in a public debate with the Pharisees and Sadducees:
One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?" "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:28-31)
The part I want to focus on is the word love. Here we are commanded to love God and to love others as we love ourselves. That's a lot of loving! But here's the thing: everything I thought I knew about love was wrong. Or at least there is one key part of love that I completely misunderstood. And unfortunately, Erin and I had to learn it the hard way.
The truth is that I thought I understood love. After all, it's one of the most commonly used words in our vocabulary. Think about how often we use the term love in our communication. We use love to express a great liking for someone ("I love my wife") or something ("I love peanut butter Cap'n Crunch"). We use love to communicate the pleasure we get from something ("I love cooking" and "I love golf"). We use love to convey a strong positive emotion of regard ("He loves his work").
We express our devotion through the word love ("The theater was her first love"). The word beloved means a person who is greatly loved or who is dear to the heart. Love can verbalize a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction ("He is madly in love with her"). Love can represent the score of zero in tennis or squash ("It was 40-love"). There's even a song that sings about loving love ("I love loving you").
The Bible actually started this entire trend because the word love is used 697 times in the Bible.
Speaking of the Bible, there are some powerful verses about love. One of my favorites is 1 Corinthians 13:1:
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Erin and I had this love passage read in our wedding ceremony:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Love truly makes the world go 'round!
All that to say that love is a very complicated word. No wonder I was confused about love.
At this point, you might be wondering exactly what was confusing. The answer is found in not what happened when Erin and I were doing well relationally, but during the times when we were hurt, angry, and frustrated with each other. You see, love is easy when things are going great. On the other hand, love can be tough when things are difficult between you and your spouse.
When Erin and I got married, I just assumed that we would always be "in love" with each other. I never thought things would be perfect, but I certainly didn't think I would have moments when I really didn't feel love toward Erin. If I were to be completely honest, that day in the car when we were fighting and the woman tried to help Erin out of the car, I didn't feel love toward her in that moment.
It's like the Righteous Brothers' song, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'." There have been hours and even days when I'd lost that loving feeling -- that I didn't feel any love toward Erin.
What was difficult about this is that I wasn't sure what it meant. Did the absence of the feeling of love mean that there was something wrong with me? Was it Erin? Perhaps the problem was with our marriage. Maybe we weren't supposed to be married, that Erin wasn't my soul mate, that there was some poor woman roaming the world looking for me, but I wasn't available.
Sounds crazy, huh? Listen to these stories about not feeling love that couples posted on the Internet.
• I've been married for almost twenty years. For the last ten years we have been sleeping in separate rooms. My husband is not affectionate with me, he does not tell me he loves me or that I look nice or say anything endearing to me. He never was real affectionate in our marriage, but it's like we have our own separate lives now. I've already told my husband that I don't feel love for him anymore, but I am afraid I'll end up with nothing if I am the one who leaves. • When I'm down, my wife is the only person I can be with and feel no aversion for. But I don't feel love for her. I know intellectually that I love her, but I can't feel it. • My husband and I have been married less than one year. This weekend was a hard one for me. I think I cried every day. I'm ju...
Most helpful customer reviews
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
The Heart of a Marriage Remains the Heart
By James John Hollandsworth, M.D.
Everyone would agree that marriage is a matter of the heart.
Then why do marriages grow stale and fail? Once again, it is a matter of the heart.
In their book The Wholehearted Marriage, counselors Greg Smalley & Shawn Stoever pound home this one simple point: you can't improve a marriage relationship without focusing on the heart. All the conflict resolution, financial planning, dating tips, & sex guides in the world will not help a marriage unless you have "two hearts fully open and engaged." Consequently, the book guides the reader through steps to "understand, unclog, & unleash" the heart in marriage.
In the first part of the book the authors deal with understanding the heart and its central role in life & relationships. Their basic principle that a closed heart will not be able to love and engage in a relationship is important, and I think many marriages fail for precisely this reason. We've all seen marriages where two people pledged themselves to each other & to God, and yet ended up turning away. The underlying reason often comes down to one person closing their heart to the other.
From understanding the heart the authors move on to unclogging the heart. There are chapters on helping to heal the wounded heart, helping to open up the fearful heart, and helping the exhausted heart to gain strength. Their view of the heart is similar to that of popular author John Eldredge and some other psychologists. I find their views and advice to often be helpful but also theologically shallow. There are some real problems with the heart, especially concerning the sin nature, which are not adequately covered in this view. Like Eldredge, they also make mention of the Spirit directly revealing specific information to us, which likewise wades into some murky waters.
The final division of the book becomes more practical, with chapters on caring and speaking to your mate's heart, as well the importance of laughter and enjoyment in the context of a relationship. These chapters are a helpful read, but are fairly standard relationship booster material.
Overall, I think their one simple point remains the great strength of the book: there's no point in working on any issue in a marriage until you start working on the heart first. We all would do well to keep the heart at the heart of every marriage.
3 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
Loving & Living Wholeheartedly.
By singingthroughtherain(dot)net
I got this book for free on a website, with the only reason being I had to read and review it. Being newly married, I was looking forward to reading a book about marriage, because I know that getting encouragement and reading and learning about other's experiences could only be a help. I know there are many books out there about marriage and it's hard to find the right one you want to read, because who is to say it will be a help you or not?
Many people know Gary Smalley, the writer of over 28 books on marriage and other topics, but now is son Greg Smalley is following in his footsteps to write books, and bring marriages together. Greg Smalley, co-authors this book with Shawn Stoever and together they make a great team! Their humor lights up the pages and makes for fast reading, and the things they share really make the book become real. They give personal life stories, tons of examples, and really share their hearts on the matter of living and loving whole-heartedly.
Not only did I learn about marriage and what it really takes to make a great marriage, but I learned a lot about myself. This book shows that no marriage is perfect, but every marriage can have the chance to last a lifetime. It just starts with the heart! Come along this journery and discover things you never knew about your spouse, your marriage, and yourself!
[...]
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
Same ol' Same ol'
By Amazon Customer
I bought this for a Bible study I joined at church. I hoped it would be a different approach, new information, etc. It wasn't. If you haven't already read a lot of Christian books on marriage, it's a good read; if you have, it's more of the same.
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